Author: TimMaynard

Let me if I may, wade into one of the more controversial aspects of parenting these days by dealing with the subject of disciplining our children. Nothing is a more volatile, controversial or really important topic when it comes to effective parenting. We do not want to be guilty of failing in this area because we don’t know what to do or because we are afraid to do anything to cross our children.

Every child is born with a will (say, “stubborn streak”) that needs to be brought into line with the parent’s will. Breaking that “streak” is what much of discipline is about. If we have not moved toward doing that by the time they are two or three, we will not be able to bring a much older child (13 or 14 years) into line without great pain and determination. In other words, while it’s never too late to start, it is far better to get an early footing on your child’s will at the young stages of life.

So should we spank? Use hands? Paddles? Rulers? Sticks/rods? Or should we follow the advice of the experts who say that “violence begets violence” and that physically punishing a child should be a jailable offense? Should we do time out? Ground them? Take things away from them? The polarities on this issue are huge and while the Bible does not give us a specific, one-two-three step procedure manual for discipline, we can certainly find some principles to follow.

First, a child MUST be disciplined. If you don’t break their will, they will break you. We must set our minds to understand what God says about this subject. He says, “… for whom the Lord loves, He disciplines.” Now that discipline is not just swinging a paddle at the child’s gluteus maximus at the right time. It also involves “reproving” which has to do with your words… your teaching… your instruction. While I am not an advocate that a child must be fully informed of all consequences for willful behavior before she can be disciplined, I am an advocate that she understand afterward why it was done. In other words, a child should NEVER walk away from an experience of discipline without understanding why it happened.

Second, a child MUST be disciplined consistently. This is a particular problem if you are sharing custody. A child must know that rules don’t bend even though locations do. If you want to thoroughly confuse your child, punish them for one offense but not another. You will either create a fearful child who is afraid to do anything or a child who believes they can manipulate the parent away from punishing for an offense.

Third, a child MUST be disciplined toward something. So much of our disciplinary actions are trying to stop the child from doing something rather than aiming them in the right direction. Discipline that is biblical moves us toward a goal of godliness and obedience. Our parental discipline does the same.

Fourth, as a child gets older they MUST be disciplined in a way that is effective at their age level. You can’t pop a fifteen year old hulk of a boy with a kitchen spoon or paddle ball paddle hard enough to make an impact. You’ll just be laughed at. But when he loses his cell phone privileges for a week or you take the bedroom door off the hinges for a few days (!!!) you will have his attention. Find age appropriate ways to discipline. Don’t punish yourself more than you’re punishing the offending child. They need to pay the price for broken curfews and broken rules and disobedience. You don’t have to hurt because they do. You probably had to learn the same lessons. Hopefully you already have!

Fifth, don’t be afraid to do this. Discipline is one of the purest forms of loving your child. As a parent, your role is to shape them not into the image of mom and dad, but toward the image of their Heavenly Father.

Discipline is part of raising a child in the nurture and admonition of our Lord. And know it may be the most loving thing you will do.

FOR MEMORIZATION: He who spares his rod hates his son; but he who loves him disciplines him diligently. Proverbs 13:24

FOR REFLECTION: Part of godly discipline begins with two parents agreeing on how discipline is to be done. Have you had that conversation with your spouse regarding your philosophy of discipline… especially if the child is younger? If not, schedule time for that crucial talk together.

In his book, A Father’s Book of Wisdom, H. Jackson Brown writes, “Fathers are pals nowadays because they don’t have the guts to be fathers.” (p.92) Great point. It takes a great deal of courage to walk the path of fatherhood. The temptation to veer off into the wonderland of “pal-dom” is ever present, especially when hard decisions are to be made.

Dad, your son or daughter is not always going to like you. You will make unpopular, hard decisions regarding where they will go, how they will get there, what they will wear and when they will arrive home. But you cannot always lead a family by consensus or by consulting straw polls about your popularity. Sometimes you make hard, lonely decisions because you know the right thing to do.

Fathers today are not respected as they used to be and yet there is an intense longing in our culture for fathers who have the courage to take strong stands, to protect and provide for their families and to do the right thing even when the pressure on them is to yield. Men sometimes, as family leaders, need to simply be willing to choose… and bear the consequences for the choice they make.

And fathers need to be priests to their families. Fathers uniquely represent God to their household; not just by what they tell their family about Him but how they reflect Him in their personal life and walk. They need to pray for their children, their wife and constantly represent their family at the throne of grace.

I never thought much about that “representing God” part until my daughter Allison made a friend across the street from us named Jenny. Jenny’s family did not go to church and she had started coming with us. One day as she and her mother drove past our house Jenny said, “Mommy, that’s where Allison and God live.”

Dad, you may have been King of the Prom and President of the Fraternity and Captain of the Football Team in high school and college but you will never do a more important thing or play a more significant role than father to your children. Don’t trade that role in for the role of friend. Those days will come to you… later. For now, you must be the structure and form into which the “wet cement” of your child’s life is being poured. If you won’t provide that form and structure in a healthy way, chances are great they won’t find it.

A note here: Your children will get mad at you. They may even tell you they hate you. That’s not your cue to begin to grovel to be their buddy. You need to remember that our deepest nature fights against structure and authority and God; and you represent all three. If they are pressing to see if you mean what you say, then the last thing you want to do is bend at that point. Stand strong. They’ll love you more for that than for giving in when they whine. And at the end of the day they’ll have many, many buddies in life…

… but only one Dad.

FOR MEMORIZATION: “My son, do not reject the discipline of the Lord, or loathe his reproof, for whom the Lord loves He reproves, even as a father the son in whom he delights.”  Proverbs 3:11-12

FOR REFLECTION: If you have fallen into the trap of being your child’s buddy more than father, what is one thing you can do this week to turn that around? Is there a hard decision that must be made? Make it. Is there a stand you need to take? Take it. Change doesn’t come easily but move deliberately toward becoming the father you need to be. Start today.

As our list of “The Seven Worst Things Parents Can Do” continues, we encounter this troubling “mistake” that parents make: pushing their child into too many activities. In other words, creating a “hurried child.” Somewhere on our way into the 21st century, we decided it would be a good idea to work ourselves to death. And then for good measure, to work our children to death as well. We are a busy, pressured, stressed-out and hurried culture of families.

This hurried culture… the idea that we must make sure our child is in every possible activity in school and extra-curricular… so that they by no means miss an opportunity… has taken a toll on us and our children. The plethora of anxiety-based conditions; of people who report just feeling “numb” is an indication that we have come to a state of dissociation… of disconnecting… of separating ourselves from the pressure of life run at this pace.

In reality, our pressured and hectic schedules make certain that we can no longer connect with each other; no longer know each other on more than a superficial level. It takes a toll on marriages as exhausted spouses tumble into bed overwhelmed by the day’s running. It takes a toll on our children’s future; finding themselves in a lifetime search for the emotional connection they wanted with their parents but who never took the time for that to develop. It creates children who are angry, sullen and depressed for what they have missed out on in life and who have no desire to succeed. These children learned that a new house, a new car, a new boat or the best summer camps can’t really substitute for the love and close relationship with Mom and Dad.

Somewhere, we need to pull off the track that we are on and ask an important question: “Why are we doing this?” Why are you rising up early and staying up late to shuttle your kids to pre-school activities and post-school activities and weekend gymnastics or dance or soccer or any number of extra-curricular we find our way into? Why is it important to us that they not miss? So do this:

1) Ask yourself, “Is my child well-balanced?” Do they already have enough activities in their life to make sure they are experiencing life as they need to without pushing them into three more?

2) “Are these activities really consistent with my highest values?” Spending time is like spending money, except it’s even more precious. What we spend our time on gives our value system away. Ask yourself the hard question… Is this event/activity/class/lesson/practice/team really in line with my values and that of my family or is it in conflict with what is most important to me?

3) Who am I doing this for… really? Is this to make me feel better as a parent? Am I feeling pressured to do these things?

4) Sit down with your children and ask them the three questions above. Is there something that they feel lacking in their lives? Do these activities really measure up to what is most important to your family? Are they doing these things… for you?

There are families on the edge today because they don’t know how to declutter their calendar… simplify their lives… live authentically in the presence of the other people in their family. Few things, in fact, are of more threat to families than this issue. It’s time for the hurry to stop… and for God’s rest to enter your home.

May the Sabbath of God begin for you today!

FOR MEDITATION: Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-burdened and I will give you rest. (Jesus)           Matthew 11:18

FOR REFLECTION: Carefully take your weekly schedule and evaluate each activity prayerfully. Then, as a family, make some hard decisions:

• Are there things we need to stop doing that will make our lives less hurried and less stressed?
• How soon can we stop?
• How can we invite the “rest” that Jesus promises into our hurried lives?

Let me say it clearly again: There are no perfect parents. Your parents weren’t. Their parents weren’t. You aren’t. Your children won’t be. We are all fundamentally broken because of our sinfulness. And we will raise, well… little sinners.

One of the biggest mistakes (in my opinion) that parents make today is to so prioritize child-rearing; to allow the child’s schedule, needs, cries for attention to drive our homes… even at the cost of our marriages. So often when I talk to young couples having struggles during the child-rearing years, I ask them a simple question: When was the last time you had a night out… without the kids? Usually the answer is silence or, “Well, we haven’t.”

Our children will always cry to be the center of our world. They are not born by nature into a selfless posture. They want all of your time, all of your attention and all of your resources. When they are younger (infants) they are helpless and certainly demand and deserve your attention. But as they grow into toddlers, they will continue to cry to be the center of your world unless you teach them by your example that they are not.

This is extremely hard for parents who have so attached themselves to the success and well-being and happiness of their child and who have tied their value to their child’s success. In that instance, the parent needs the child more than the child needs the parent. That is not a healthy relationship even though others may “ooh” and “aah” around you, applauding your devotion. It is in reality, devotion to yourself at the core and truthfully, the child is not emotionally wired to be the focus of your life.

It’s also hard for parents who believe the child ought to be afforded the privileges of adulthood while they are still toddlers. For example: Who decides your child’s bedtime? Who determines what they get to eat? Does your child get to barge in to conversations you are having with another adult? Do they get to correct you? In other words, we have allowed our children to enjoy the privileges of adult living (when to sleep, when to get up, what to eat, etc.) and communicated to them that they are on equal footing in terms of family structure with any adult.

If your relationship with your child, in your mind, is THE most important relationship in your home you have made one of the most tragic mistakes that couples can make. The child needs to understand that 8:30 is bedtime even if they are not tired because mommy and daddy need some time alone… without them. They need to understand and SEE MODELED IN THE HOME a healthy marriage between mom and dad because nothing will bring them security like seeing that. There’s a reason the Bible tells us “a man shall leave father and mother and cleave to his wife.” It means no one… parents, children, grandchildren… is to come before the one with whom you are “one flesh.” The marriage is to be the primary relationship in the home, after the husband’s or wife’s relationship with God.

Here’s what is amazing to some parents and it hurts to hear it. Your kids don’t need you around them all the time. Your children want you to take a break… from them! I know that is a blow to the ego of some hovering moms and dads. But kids know that when you go out or go away for a quick weekend, you come back happier. Not as stressed out. And they instinctively know they will be happier because you’re gone for a bit and always happy to see you return.

Hear my heart as a pastor. So many families are blowing up their marriages over this one issue. Come to grips with this. Place your children in their proper position in the family. God created the family system for all to be healthy. Getting it wrong means everyone pays a price.

So, take a break. Have a night out. Go sit at McDonalds, drink a milkshake together without the kids and remember why you got married in the first place.

Your kids will thank you. I promise.

FOR MEMORIZATION: For this cause a man will leave father and mother and cling to his wife. And they become one flesh. Genesis 2:24

FOR REFLECTION: For every rule there seems to be a lot of exceptions. There aren’t many for the one we have dealt with above. However here is an exception: there are families in our church with special needs children who never move much beyond the infant-dependent stage in their lifetime. We need to find ways to minister to these special, heroic parents that walk among us. An offer to sit with their child for an evening may be the greatest gift you could give to these courageous folks who are pressed to the limit. Pray for them. And let’s do something to minister to them.

When we lived in Kentucky, Pam and I led a number of marriage enrichment and family retreats for the state convention and Lifeway.

The title of the parenting series was Parenting by Grace.  I don’t remember much of the content.  I do remember the title.  It takes a lot of grace to be a parent.  We constantly misstep and make mistakes that bring difficulty to our children as well as to us.

We make these mistakes partly because we really struggle with the tension between wanting our children to grow up and be ready to live life apart from us and not wanting to let them go.  I suspect this may be an evident battle right about now as some reading this blog are preparing to see your first (or second or third) child leave the nest for college… their first big “away” adventure.

And we struggle to see them grow and to see them go.  Yet we want them to be independent of us.  But we get anxious (and sometimes overprotective) when that moment of separation comes to us.  And in that anxiety we make mistakes because we tend to overprotect and baby our children, even when they are 18!

Drs. John and Linda Friel suggest in their list of “the seven worst mistakes parents make” (only 7 you ask??)  that the first is to baby your child.  On the surface that doesn’t seem such a terrible mistake unless we see the potential problems:

(1) creating an unhealthy attachment to the child on the part of the parents or

(2) failing to have reasonable expectations of the performance of responsibilities around the home or

(3) to allow children to avoid or escape the consequences of their behavior.

We are not being bad or mean parents when we tell our children to grow up.  That’s our job as parents as we facilitate the childhood years;  helping them to grow.  And that means helping them understand that they are no longer babies that can contribute nothing.  Our children need to have the expectation of chores given to them.  Most household chores can be easily taught to children and their performance of the chore need not be tied to a reward they will get when completed.  Part of “growing up” is learning how to find satisfaction in the accomplishment of work.  That will be a lesson they will value for a lifetime.

And that’s a lesson a baby can never learn.  Help your child accept responsibility for his or her actions.  We spend far too much time as parents removing consequences from our child’s actions and not letting them feel the full brunt of the things they have done wrong.  If homework is late, let them explain to the teacher why the assignment wasn’t done.  If clothes or toys aren’t properly placed where Mom or Dad tells them, make the clothes or toys disappear for a week.  Make the consequences something that you don’t have to enforce all the time.  It really doesn’t have to hurt you more than it hurts them!

In other words, our job as parents is to help guide our children toward the path of release and maturity.  The home is the laboratory where this is learned or NOT learned.  The world will be a better place if we learn how to help our children grow up and stop hindering them by “babying” them.

Your world will be too.

FOR MEMORIZATION:  The rod (what you do) and reproof (what you say) give wisdom, but a child who gets his own way brings shame to his mother.                Proverbs 29:15

FOR REFLECTION:  How many times does allowing a child to get his own way indicate your giving in when you shouldn’t?  Taking down the strong will of a child is one of the hardest battles a parent will fight, but it is a battle that must be won by you… or both parent and child lose.

I keep some books in my library that have struck me as important over the years. One book I keep just for the sake of the title: God Has Never Failed Me, but He Sure Has Scared Me to Death a Few Times. I loved the honesty of that one!

Some books I keep to warn me. They have titles like, The Ten Worst Mistakes Leaders Make. I have made all ten. Times three. Or one that I read mid-journey in my parenting experience: The 7 Worst Things Parents Do. I also did a few of those and added some that the authors didn’t think of.

Here is the list provided and expanded by Drs. John and Linda Friel in their book.

1. Baby your child
2. Put your marriage last
3. Push your child into too many activities
4. Ignore your own spiritual or emotional life
5. Try to be your child’s best friend
6. Fail to give your child structure
7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams

All of us who have been on the parenting journey can confess to making more than one of those mistakes, and like me, you may add others of your own. Over the next few blogs, I want to expand some of these for us in hopes that it may help us avoid missteps in our parenting experience. I may even add a few of my own mistakes to the list.

But a word of caution: none of us are going to be perfect parents. I can speak with a little less pressure since I know how my children turned out. My kids are great, awesome adults who make us proud over and over again. And today they are wonderful friends as well. But they did not come from perfect parents. We made our mistakes. And so did our parents. And so will our kids when they are parents.

At the end of the day, parenting is a grace-dependent experience and your kids make choices some times in spite of your best efforts and sometimes in spite of your failures. We do the best we can as parents. Prayerfully. Depending on God.

And the outcome we must leave to God.

FOR MEMORIZATION: Parents do not exasperate your children but instead bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord….   Ephesians 6:4

FOR REFLECTION: Maybe this list of parenting failures is something that makes you view your own parenting as flawed or broken beyond repair. There are no hopeless cases where God is concerned. Take your feelings of failure or even of guilt to the Lord. Begin where you are, whether your children are home or away from you. God is always willing to give us a new beginning… in spite of our failures.

Yesterday I saw her for the first time. Not in skin. Not in color. Not yet. But on a screen in black and white during an ultrasound. My granddaughter, McCail Violet. The little world-changer… at least for our family. I’ll bet she could be President, but that’s for another blog.

Incredible.

I watched in the dim light of the exam room as the technician deftly moved the instrument to view different aspects of her little body. Amazing. Little toes. Strong heartbeat. A profile that looked one moment like my son and another like her mother, Logan. Think I could detect a little of her Mamaw in her profile too, as she stood busily taking pictures of the little life wiggling on the screen to save in her iPhone.

Beautiful.

And as I stood by, trying to stay out of the way, I glanced at my son, the proud father of McCail, his firstborn. He watched the screen intently. He’s taken one parenting class, so he is now an expert… well, he soon will be. I watched him as he viewed with awe the baby on the screen and alternated with protective looks toward his wife.

Wonderful.

So, I’m guilty. I said with confidence, “When I become a grandfather (if I do) I’m not going to be one of those annoying, nutty, bragging, over-indulgent types.” But in my defense, I didn’t know. Now, my bedroom has a crib waiting for little McCail Violet’s first visit. I walk by it and imagine what she will look like lying there. My garage has me stepping around a baby stroller and car seat. My mancave has baby toys and books filling the corners… waiting for MY granddaughter to come and play with her Poppey. (Poppie. Popi. Not sure yet.)

Fantastic.

No words can describe the sense of seeing your children’s children getting ready to come into the world. It’s an incredible experience, so alike and yet unlike the birth of your children. I’m still not sure what I felt yesterday in that room, looking at the little life on the Vizio screen in front of me and wondering what her life will be. In six weeks she will be here. And the adventure begins!

Mystery.

And I can’t wait to meet her.

FOR MEMORIZATION: I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works.             Psalm 139:14

FOR REFLECTION: The glory of God is seen in the life of every child born. As we become parents or grandparents, we are stewards of that glory. Pray that you might be faithful in that stewardship of a life.

A number of years ago I read a book by Max Dupree titled Leadership Jazz. It used the metaphor of jazz music to describe the relationship of managers, employers, and employees in the workplace. I thought I would “lift” his inspired idea for a few thoughts about “parenting jazz.” Many parents (especially the new ones) want to know, “How does this work?” In other words, what are the “hard, fast rules” that govern parenting in an era when morals and values are shifting like sand? The reality is there is no simple one-size-fits-all answer to that. The parenting relationship is like the relationship between jazz musicians on a stage.

First, a jazz quartet or quintet starts at a predetermined point and in a pre-set key and time signature but they really can’t be sure where the others are going to go with the song. At a certain point in jazz, the musicians organically decide to end the song.

Second, a jazz musician has a lot of freedom in their particular part which is why jazz appeals to so many musicians. It’s not pre-set. They can stretch, bring their strengths to bear on the music and be celebrated for their contribution even though another may be the lead player.

Third, no two jazz renditions of a song are exactly the same. The combination of different interpretations of how notes begin and end and the skill set of the player changes the outcome of the song every time it’s played in jazz.

Now, let’s change the scene a moment.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Parents, like jazz players, start at a predetermined point as well. It’s called “childbirth.” While a number of things about an infant are pre-set and pre-determined, there are unknowns in rearing children that cannot be determined. Flexibility with the other parent, being willing to “yield the stage” in areas where another excels without being resentful or jealous is tremendously important. And at a certain point, the parenting journey comes to an end or rather to a transition to another season.

And like jazz music, remember that no two renditions of a song are the same. The lessons you learned parenting your first child may have nothing to do with how you parent your next one! Children are different. Each parent is different. The outcome of the parent/child relationship varies by degrees; some you notice and some are far more subtle. But no two experiences are the same.

Just like jazz. Just play… do your best… shine where you can… support where you need to… be flexible… and realize the parenting relationship is the second oldest relationship on the planet and one of the most organic of all. Every part needs to be heard and played.

And then as you bring something brand new into existence on earth rejoice in the music you hear!

FOR MEMORIZATION: Children are a gift of the Lord…. Psalm 127:3

FOR REFLECTION: Where does your parenting approach need more flexibility and improvisation? While some things are “written in stone” for us in God’s timeless and infallible Word, others must be “spiritually discerned” as we walk together with Christ. If you had to name it, what kind of music does your parenting produce?

It probably should be noticed that there is an overlap in how the Bible talks about parenting and coaching. Parenting is, in reality, a form of “divine coaching” and one of the most important kinds of discipleship.

So what kind of parent/coach are you? Chuck Swindoll, in a recent message talked about a coach who told Chuck that he needed to “coach his congregation up.” That’s how he coached a winning team. He “coached them up.” His coaching was not all negative and pointing out their flaws; it was sprinkled with kind words, encouragement and an attitude that helped them grow up into the coach’s expectations of them.

Some coaches “coach down.” They focus entirely on the negative, giving words of praise and encouragement only sparingly. They believe to do otherwise would ruin the team. But instead of growing up into the coaches’ expectations, they focused on growing down to them.

We are the same with our children. The biblical admonitions to “train up” our children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6) and to “train them up” in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:1-4) help us to see the importance of an upward direction in our parenting.

Fathers are told not to “exasperate” their children (or as one little guy recited it in Bible drills, “exaggerate” their children.) As fathers, they are to be upward coaching. Your kids inevitably will grow up… or down to your persistent expectations of them. If you have “exaggerated” your child’s ability beyond reality, you will discourage them. If you label them early on; “learning disabled,” or “learning challenged” or “hopeless” then they will struggle grow up beyond those powerful labels.

Watch your language. Your children are listening… and internalizing the words you use.
And they are growing up into them…
…or down.

FOR MEMORIZATION: But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever. Amen.     2 Peter 3:18

FOR REFLECTION: If you are a parent, evaluate the majority of words you are using to discipline, correct and train your child. Which direction are they pointing?