Month: May 2016

I keep some books in my library that have struck me as important over the years. One book I keep just for the sake of the title: God Has Never Failed Me, but He Sure Has Scared Me to Death a Few Times. I loved the honesty of that one!

Some books I keep to warn me. They have titles like, The Ten Worst Mistakes Leaders Make. I have made all ten. Times three. Or one that I read mid-journey in my parenting experience: The 7 Worst Things Parents Do. I also did a few of those and added some that the authors didn’t think of.

Here is the list provided and expanded by Drs. John and Linda Friel in their book.

1. Baby your child
2. Put your marriage last
3. Push your child into too many activities
4. Ignore your own spiritual or emotional life
5. Try to be your child’s best friend
6. Fail to give your child structure
7. Expect your child to fulfill your dreams

All of us who have been on the parenting journey can confess to making more than one of those mistakes, and like me, you may add others of your own. Over the next few blogs, I want to expand some of these for us in hopes that it may help us avoid missteps in our parenting experience. I may even add a few of my own mistakes to the list.

But a word of caution: none of us are going to be perfect parents. I can speak with a little less pressure since I know how my children turned out. My kids are great, awesome adults who make us proud over and over again. And today they are wonderful friends as well. But they did not come from perfect parents. We made our mistakes. And so did our parents. And so will our kids when they are parents.

At the end of the day, parenting is a grace-dependent experience and your kids make choices some times in spite of your best efforts and sometimes in spite of your failures. We do the best we can as parents. Prayerfully. Depending on God.

And the outcome we must leave to God.

FOR MEMORIZATION: Parents do not exasperate your children but instead bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord….   Ephesians 6:4

FOR REFLECTION: Maybe this list of parenting failures is something that makes you view your own parenting as flawed or broken beyond repair. There are no hopeless cases where God is concerned. Take your feelings of failure or even of guilt to the Lord. Begin where you are, whether your children are home or away from you. God is always willing to give us a new beginning… in spite of our failures.

Yesterday I saw her for the first time. Not in skin. Not in color. Not yet. But on a screen in black and white during an ultrasound. My granddaughter, McCail Violet. The little world-changer… at least for our family. I’ll bet she could be President, but that’s for another blog.

Incredible.

I watched in the dim light of the exam room as the technician deftly moved the instrument to view different aspects of her little body. Amazing. Little toes. Strong heartbeat. A profile that looked one moment like my son and another like her mother, Logan. Think I could detect a little of her Mamaw in her profile too, as she stood busily taking pictures of the little life wiggling on the screen to save in her iPhone.

Beautiful.

And as I stood by, trying to stay out of the way, I glanced at my son, the proud father of McCail, his firstborn. He watched the screen intently. He’s taken one parenting class, so he is now an expert… well, he soon will be. I watched him as he viewed with awe the baby on the screen and alternated with protective looks toward his wife.

Wonderful.

So, I’m guilty. I said with confidence, “When I become a grandfather (if I do) I’m not going to be one of those annoying, nutty, bragging, over-indulgent types.” But in my defense, I didn’t know. Now, my bedroom has a crib waiting for little McCail Violet’s first visit. I walk by it and imagine what she will look like lying there. My garage has me stepping around a baby stroller and car seat. My mancave has baby toys and books filling the corners… waiting for MY granddaughter to come and play with her Poppey. (Poppie. Popi. Not sure yet.)

Fantastic.

No words can describe the sense of seeing your children’s children getting ready to come into the world. It’s an incredible experience, so alike and yet unlike the birth of your children. I’m still not sure what I felt yesterday in that room, looking at the little life on the Vizio screen in front of me and wondering what her life will be. In six weeks she will be here. And the adventure begins!

Mystery.

And I can’t wait to meet her.

FOR MEMORIZATION: I praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works.             Psalm 139:14

FOR REFLECTION: The glory of God is seen in the life of every child born. As we become parents or grandparents, we are stewards of that glory. Pray that you might be faithful in that stewardship of a life.

A number of years ago I read a book by Max Dupree titled Leadership Jazz. It used the metaphor of jazz music to describe the relationship of managers, employers, and employees in the workplace. I thought I would “lift” his inspired idea for a few thoughts about “parenting jazz.” Many parents (especially the new ones) want to know, “How does this work?” In other words, what are the “hard, fast rules” that govern parenting in an era when morals and values are shifting like sand? The reality is there is no simple one-size-fits-all answer to that. The parenting relationship is like the relationship between jazz musicians on a stage.

First, a jazz quartet or quintet starts at a predetermined point and in a pre-set key and time signature but they really can’t be sure where the others are going to go with the song. At a certain point in jazz, the musicians organically decide to end the song.

Second, a jazz musician has a lot of freedom in their particular part which is why jazz appeals to so many musicians. It’s not pre-set. They can stretch, bring their strengths to bear on the music and be celebrated for their contribution even though another may be the lead player.

Third, no two jazz renditions of a song are exactly the same. The combination of different interpretations of how notes begin and end and the skill set of the player changes the outcome of the song every time it’s played in jazz.

Now, let’s change the scene a moment.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Parents, like jazz players, start at a predetermined point as well. It’s called “childbirth.” While a number of things about an infant are pre-set and pre-determined, there are unknowns in rearing children that cannot be determined. Flexibility with the other parent, being willing to “yield the stage” in areas where another excels without being resentful or jealous is tremendously important. And at a certain point, the parenting journey comes to an end or rather to a transition to another season.

And like jazz music, remember that no two renditions of a song are the same. The lessons you learned parenting your first child may have nothing to do with how you parent your next one! Children are different. Each parent is different. The outcome of the parent/child relationship varies by degrees; some you notice and some are far more subtle. But no two experiences are the same.

Just like jazz. Just play… do your best… shine where you can… support where you need to… be flexible… and realize the parenting relationship is the second oldest relationship on the planet and one of the most organic of all. Every part needs to be heard and played.

And then as you bring something brand new into existence on earth rejoice in the music you hear!

FOR MEMORIZATION: Children are a gift of the Lord…. Psalm 127:3

FOR REFLECTION: Where does your parenting approach need more flexibility and improvisation? While some things are “written in stone” for us in God’s timeless and infallible Word, others must be “spiritually discerned” as we walk together with Christ. If you had to name it, what kind of music does your parenting produce?

It probably should be noticed that there is an overlap in how the Bible talks about parenting and coaching. Parenting is, in reality, a form of “divine coaching” and one of the most important kinds of discipleship.

So what kind of parent/coach are you? Chuck Swindoll, in a recent message talked about a coach who told Chuck that he needed to “coach his congregation up.” That’s how he coached a winning team. He “coached them up.” His coaching was not all negative and pointing out their flaws; it was sprinkled with kind words, encouragement and an attitude that helped them grow up into the coach’s expectations of them.

Some coaches “coach down.” They focus entirely on the negative, giving words of praise and encouragement only sparingly. They believe to do otherwise would ruin the team. But instead of growing up into the coaches’ expectations, they focused on growing down to them.

We are the same with our children. The biblical admonitions to “train up” our children in the way they should go (Proverbs 22:6) and to “train them up” in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Ephesians 6:1-4) help us to see the importance of an upward direction in our parenting.

Fathers are told not to “exasperate” their children (or as one little guy recited it in Bible drills, “exaggerate” their children.) As fathers, they are to be upward coaching. Your kids inevitably will grow up… or down to your persistent expectations of them. If you have “exaggerated” your child’s ability beyond reality, you will discourage them. If you label them early on; “learning disabled,” or “learning challenged” or “hopeless” then they will struggle grow up beyond those powerful labels.

Watch your language. Your children are listening… and internalizing the words you use.
And they are growing up into them…
…or down.

FOR MEMORIZATION: But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever. Amen.     2 Peter 3:18

FOR REFLECTION: If you are a parent, evaluate the majority of words you are using to discipline, correct and train your child. Which direction are they pointing?

Our sense of taste is one of the most powerful and furthest reaching of our senses. We remember tastes and scents decades removed from the experience and just tasting or smelling brings the memory flooding immediately back. Most of us have the privilege of remembering what our mother’s roast beef tasted and smelled like on Sunday for dinner. I remember clearly the smell and taste of my wife’s fried chicken that she fixed when we took picnics together as we dated. Nothing tastes quite like it.

It’s no wonder then, that the Word of God chooses a term that means “to create a taste” to talk about training our children in the way they should go. (Proverbs 22:6). To “train up” means to create an association of taste and word in the child.

Rabbis in the Old Testament synagogues (think church schools) would train their younger students in memorization and internalizing Scripture by providing them with a writing pad (usually a board and chalk) with a small indentation on the top. In that indentation the rabbi would squeeze honey. When the student correctly recited Scripture from memory the reward would be getting to lick the honey off the board.

In so doing, the student would associate the sweetness of the honey and its taste with the sweetness of God’s Word to our souls. The Psalms speak of this association in several places.

On to parenting. When a child was very young, just born and beginning to nurse, the midwife would take a mixture of fruit and mash it, then rub the mixture on the roof of the infant’s mouth. This would instinctively create a sucking motion in the infant and would then be given to the mother to nurse.

And so we are to “create a taste” for the Word of God in our children. When we have done that they will begin their own journey to satisfy their taste for eternal things and find their ultimate satisfaction in the Word of God.

God’s Word is sweet as honey. Some of us have been blessed by having parents who created that taste in us from the beginning. But if not, it’s never too late to add a new taste to your life.

Why not start today?

FOR MEMORIZATION: How sweet are your words to my taste; sweeter than honey to my mouth!    Psalm 119:103

FOR REFLECTION: Taste is important. When I was very young, it was appropriate for parents to put liquid cinnamon on the thumb of a toddler to discourage thumb sucking. A negative association of taste is just as powerful as a positive one. How can you start associating the Word of God with a positive taste for your children?

A few years ago I ran across a book called The Seven Worst Mistakes Parents Make. My first thought when looking at the title was, “Just seven?” We blow it in far more ways than that! As I thumbed through the contents, I did not see one of the seven worst mistakes I see parents making: putting our child first. Before the marriage relationship. In some cases, even before God, thus making our children an idol made in our own image.

Now wait, you may think: Aren’t we supposed to put children first? Shouldn’t they be in the center of our lives; of our attention; of our affection when they arrive? I need to tread carefully here, for I am in the season of being an expectant grandparent and I don’t want to write words, even electronically, that I may later have to eat!

But what I am seeing frequently in our parenting approach concerns me. I am seeing children being raised at the price of our relationship with our spouses, with ourselves, and even sometimes with God. And the end result of a parenting approach that elevates the child over everything seldom ends well… especially for the child who subtly and not so subtly is being taught that they are the most important person on the planet.

This past weekend a college coach in an interview said that he taught his players that they were the most important thing on the planet. That no one and nothing was more important than they were. This approach resonated with these kids who have grown up in a world that reinforces that reality for them.

Where are they to learn the hard truth that they are NOT the most important person on the planet? Home is the place that teaches priorities and instilling lifelong values. But if they aren’t learning it in the home, they go off to school system and other aspects of society believing they are the most significant thing in life.

A bad lesson to impart. As believers in our homes, the Bible teaches that the most important relationship of all is our relationship with God. Cherish it and guard it above all others. Then, guard your marriage. Genesis 2 tells us that our marriages are to be the primary focus of the family relationship. Inside of that, the children come next. If we get that order wrong, disaster will ensue.

I am not telling you not to love your children. You must and your are to do so. But not to worship them… not to create an idol of them… and certainly not to ask them to bear the burden of being the most important person on earth.

He has already come. His name is Jesus.

FOR MEMORIZATION: But seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be added to you.    Matthew 6:33

FOR REFLECTION: Evaluate your schedule this week. Do your children’s needs and schedules continually rise above your needs? How can you change one thing toward correcting that?

Back in the Sixties and Seventies, the folk/Rock group Crosby, Still, Nash and Young ruled the airwaves. While much of their music may seem dated today, one song (I heard it again today!) still lives, “Teach Your Children.”

My first hearing of that song happened “when I wore a younger man’s clothes” (to quote another rock icon). I knew nothing then of the complexities of child rearing much less what I wanted to teach them. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t the curriculum demanded in that song!

But when I became a pastor, still young and without children, I could pretty much tell you whatever you needed to know about parenting and child rearing and discipline and all of the above. I was strident and confident and could have traveled the nation doing lectures to straighten out confused parents.

Then I became one. You’ve heard the story before. One guy had a lecture he gave entitled “The Ten Commandments for Child Rearing.” Then, he had a child and then another and then two more. When he was finished rewriting his lecture he renamed it, “Three Feeble Suggestions for Fellow Strugglers.”

I am very respectful when giving parenting advice. I don’t know your kids. And you don’t really know much about what kind of father I was. But there are some things that each of us, father or mother, married or single, need to put into practice with our children:

1.) Figure out where they need to be pointed. Help aim them well. Children, the Bible tells us in Psalms, are like “arrows in the hands of a mighty man.” As parents, we are the bow. The bow has one role… to discern where to point the arrow and release it. Ideally, our children will be aimed in a direction that will take a toll on the enemies’ camp. But sometimes we misfire. Sometimes the arrow just won’t go where it’s aimed. And sometimes the aim is random. Aim straight. Prayerfully. Release with confidence that God will guide them to the mark He intends.

2.) Be consistent. Let me tell you the two most important words you will learn about parenting. Be consistent. Don’t be a hypocrite. Your children may tell you that they think you are at some point. Your job is not to prove them right.

3.) Teach always. Teaching your children well is not an original thought with CSN&Y. It was first instilled in Jewish people by the Law of God in Deuteronomy 6:1-4. We are to teach by incarnating truth and living it out before our child “as they lie down, as they walk along the way.”
Teach your children well. Not because David Crosby and Company suggested it; but because God commanded it. So where ever you are in the parenting journey, teach your children well. And don’t give up.

We only get one shot!

FOR MEMORIZATION: Like arrows in the hands of a warrior, so are the children born in one’s youth.   Psalm 127:4 NIV

FOR REFLECTION: If you have children still in your care consider the direction you are helping them aim their lives.

Parenting Mistakes, Myths, and Marvels

Recently (former) presidential candidate Ted Cruz unleashed a firestorm when a 12 year-old Donald Trump supporter heckled him at a campaign rally. His response, advocating spanking when a child was rude, sparked an explosion of opinions on the internet.

This is just the latest in our culture’s debate about how to raise a child. Should this child be praised for “speaking his mind?” Some think he should. Should children be seen and not heard, especially in matters about which they know nothing? Others believe they should.

Who’s right? Was Ted Cruz on target for his comments and suggestion? How would you have felt had that been your child? Proud? Embarrassed? Confused? It raises the question again, in our society: Is corporal punishment akin to child abuse? Or are you being too liberal with your child if you don’t?

And what about newborns? Are you an advocate of “extinguishing?” This parenting philosophy believes in letting children who cry, “cry themselves out” before you respond… even if they’re infants. Or are you an attachment theorist who believes the child should be carried in a snuggy near her parent’s body everywhere she goes?

While we’re at it, how do you do controlling your child’s (translation YOUR) schedule and calendar? Is it filled to overflowing with activities, meetings, practices, parenting groups and play groups? Are you raising a busy, hurried, over-stressed child? Or do you realize and help them realize that neither you nor they can do it all?

Philosophies of child rearing abound today much as diet plans. And like diet plans, for every one that may be healthy there are three or four that aren’t. So who gets the final word on how your child gets raised, schooled, disciplined or rewarded? Myths about parenting abound. Mistakes are made… always.

So how do we know? Who is the “expert” in such experiences? Well, we can certainly begin with a look at the timeless and infallible counsel of God’s Word. God can teach us things about our child and ourselves that other experts and coaches cannot.

For instance, it says “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” (Proverbs 22:6) Great verse. Worthy of a place on any parent’s cluttered refrigerator door. But we usually get it wrong.

This is not a fail-safe promise that, if we train a child in the way (WE THINK) he should go, when he is older he won’t forsake the church or God’s Word. Wrong. Not what it says. It says, “When you train your child in the way GOD MADE him or her, and raise them as GOD INTENDED them to be raised, they will find the right path and fulfill the purpose for which God made them. ” That’s a broad-brush interpretation, but closer to reality than the other.

Your job as a parent FIRST AND FOREMOST is to help your child “find his way” in this world. A part of that of course, is to incline them as much as possible to the God who made them. And if we do that, it will take root. But it is a mistake to think that we have a foolproof text here that promises if you’ll force your child into a religious mold that mold will stick. It may. It may not.

It’s a mistake to think you can predict and control your child’s future. You can’t. And you wouldn’t want to if you could. And as much as you would like to shield your child from failure and missed opportunities in life, you can’t do that either.

But you can receive the child as a gift… and then pray, pray, pray. Use God’s wisdom as a guide. And know this: if you succeed in raising a child you’re proud of, you will then see the true marvel of parenting.

But if you are among those who don’t and you feel yourself a failure and your child is a prodigal, understand that our Father gets it.

He has kids that won’t mind Him either!

FOR MEMORIZATION: “Train up a child according to his way, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

FOR REFLECTION: If the child in the Ted Cruz example above was yours, imagine what your response to him would be. What does that say about your parenting?

Well, here it is Mother’s Day again.  I’m sorry I haven’t told you more often this year or called or written or visited more but you know how life goes.  We get busy, and in our busy-ness forget the most important thing, and the most important people.

That’s where you come in.  How do I say on this Mother’s Day how much I appreciate and love you for all you did…for bringing me into this world a squalling, demanding, newborn that leaked from both ends…to the adventures and trials of raising me into young adulthood?

You were young when I was born and inexperienced in this whole child raising thing.  Maybe you turned to the wisdom of Dr. Spock to help you; maybe Dr. Dobson filled in the gap.  Perhaps Dr. Phil stepped up.  Or maybe you just got on your knees and cried out to God.

I know you prayed.  I’m sure you recited the little Mother’s Prayer over me each night at bedtime when I was small:  “Thank God he’s in bed.”  But I know there were many times when, with tears, you sat waiting for a word from God, from somewhere to help you know what to do as you raised us.

I remember the times when I would hurt or fall or get my heart broken…I cried for Mom when those times came.  Dad was there…but Mom was…there in a different kind of way.  I know you wept yourself to sleep on some occasions; when I lay sick at home or in the hospital and you didn’t know what to do to make the pain stop. What you don’t realize more often than not was…it did.

Mom, I remember you making little outfits for me for Trick or Treat and shopping yourself silly at Christmas to get me just the gift you knew would make me smile.  Did I ever thank you for those?

And I remember the countless hours you sat in the stands cheering me on when I was on the field or the court or the stage… you supported me, as a band parent selling overpriced candy at ball games or taking boxes of candy bars to work to sell for me since I was a lousy salesman.

I remember Mom. You were there. You tried to be what you thought a Mom should be, even though you barely knew yours.  And I forgive you for making me take piano lessons.  I finally figured out why they were important.

Mom, you imparted a love of books to me and drilled me with grammar and spelling and syntax.  I may or may not have turned out like you thought I would.  If you see me as a disappointment…it’s not your fault. If you see me as a success…you may now take a bow!

And by the way:  Awesome job as a grandmother too! Can’t wait to join you in that category. McCail will be thrilled to get to meet her Great-grandmother!

Happy Mother’s Day Mom. Hope you know how loved you are.  And as it says in the Bible, today I want to  “rise up and called you blessed.”

So Mom, this year at Mother’s Day, I promise to try to keep up better, visit more, and tell you as often as I can that I am thankful to God for you.

Love always,
Tim